Funny Sayings

Cheer up

2009-03-07T05:17:00.001-08:00

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

There are three sides

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There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

Lord, Lord, Lord

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Lord, lord, lord. Protect me from the consequences of the above prayer. ~Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless

It used to take me

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It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term. ~Mark Twain

I learned law

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I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back. ~Fred Allen

Lead me not

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Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown

The surest sign

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The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and H

The ships hung

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The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams

Anybody can

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Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade

If all else

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If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith

Give me a

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Give me a laundry list and I'll set it to music. - Gioacchino Antonio Rossini

Women Complain

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Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.-- Roseanne

When a couple decide

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When a couple decide to divorce, they should inform both sets of parents before having a party and telling all their friends. This is not only courteous but practical. Parents may be very willing to pitch in with comments, criticism and malicious gossip of their own to help the divorce along-- P.J. O'Rourke

Horse Sense is

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Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.-- W. C. Fields

The wit of graduate

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The wit of a graduate student is like champagne. Canadian champagne.-- Robertson Davies

The trouble with

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The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.-- Herb Caen

You could not

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You couldn't get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.-- Edward Flaherty

I Like walks

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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.-- Fred Allen

If you are

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If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns. --- Unknown Author

If you think

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If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito. ----Unknown Author

Unlike timeless

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Unlike timeless proverbs, funny sayings are continually being renewed. Every generation has new funny sayings, yet the funny sayings of the past improve with age. ---From Mae west

Under the sod

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Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there's only the pod; Pease shelled out and went to God.-- Massachusetts Tombstone

Remember man

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Remember man, as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I, As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.-- Tombstone in England

Here lies

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Here lies Lester Moore; Four slugs from a .44; No Les No More.-- Tombstone Arizona

He coudnae

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He couldnae engineer his way outta paper bag!

As useful

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As useful as a one armed trapeze artist with an itchy arse

She's Seen

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She's seen more ceilings than Michelagelo

She has got

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She's got more wrinkles than an Elephants scrotum

Lights on

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Lights on, door open, nobody at home.

Everything is Funny

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Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.- Will Rogers

Duct tape is

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Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.- Unknown

Two Lions

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Two lions broke loose in the zoo and were eating a clown.One lion said to the other …“Does this taste funny to you?”- Unknown

I think the worst

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I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. -- Demetri Martin

Hey, the way

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Hey, the way I figure it is this: if the kids are still alive by the time my husband comes home, I've done my job.

In california

2009-03-07T05:02:00.003-08:00

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows. --- Woody Allen

An consultant

2009-03-07T05:02:00.001-08:00

An consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

You can't

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You can't have everything....where would you put it?

I started

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I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

It is said that

2009-03-07T04:59:00.002-08:00

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

I feel like

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I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Everyone Has a

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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

My advice

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My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife, you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

There are no

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There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Put your hand on

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity

Men are like parking....

2009-03-07T04:56:00.000-08:00

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped. To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know. I’ve done it a thousand times. Murphy was an optimist. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

Say what you will....

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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

The hardest job....

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The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any.- F Astaire

The Problem With....

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The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.- ----Jeff Foxworthy

Doing a Job

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Doing a job badly and then getting someone in to sort it out can be much more expensive than getting someone in to do the job properly in the first place.- ----Sarah Beeny

Find A Job

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Find a job you like and you add five days to every week.- H J Browne